Philanthro-me: Part 5 (Age 38)

“Giving Up”

After years of trying and failing to create some peace for my spouse and hating myself for not being able to do so, I surrendered all hope of being a safe harbor for anyone.  In other words, my bar which had been set so low simply fell away into oblivion, and I was left with no bar at all.

I was a mother of two beautiful girls by then, and so taking my own life was no longer the viable alternative that it once seemed to be.  Trapped in unfamiliar territory, breathing, but no authentic sense of purpose for doing so, I was compelled to set forth a new understanding of myself in relation to the world around me.

Late that night after my family was asleep, I crept downstairs wrapped in silent darkness and opened a new Word document.  With the computer as my witness, I declared my surrender, and set forth the new terms under which I would abide in this life:

“It’s not that what I want comes last, it’s that what I want doesn’t matter at all.  I will be here to facilitate the needs and demands of my family with no concern or consideration for any needs of my own.”

I printed it out, trimmed it down to close margins, and tucked it away where only I would find it and could reference it easily should I ever forget my new agreement: Forfeiting my needs in exchange for peace for my spouse and children.

In a moment of despair, I would give up all hope, without hope of ever having hope again.

(to be continued . . . )

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