Story Of Longing

For the first thirty-nine years of this life I call mine, there was a story of authenticity longing to get out.  As it so often goes, the feelings of a life-less-lived started out innocent enough, but the longer this false story of “me” became, and the more stuff that I added to “my” life, the more I felt like a failure.  As I looked towards the subsequent “chapters”, all I could see was more suffering and more failure. I finally surrendered that limited story of “me” because it seemed to create more problems than it solved, and it wasn’t doing anyone any good.

With that surrender came an internal peace.  The war that had been going on inside me stopped, and I could just “be” without needing or wanting anything for myself.  I started noticing everything I had, and that was shocking and brought with it a sense of humble gratitude.  In this open state, I picked up on clues that I hadn’t seen before, and started following them with a sense of intrigue to see where they led.

What I found was an experience of truth beyond any concept of truth, and this truth is still being revealed to me to this day.  As I embrace this truth, the authentic story of me is also being revealed.  It was this story that was longing to be told, and the agony I felt while not honoring this story was the real cause of my suffering: it wasn’t the choices I had made or where I lived or the job I had, it was simply that I was living one story when all along there was a truer, more powerful story wanting to be told.

Deeply rooted in truth, I realize now how life is supporting this authentic story of me, which allows me to live courageously.  This truth allows me to trust myself and life in a way I couldn’t before, and eliminates the need for second-guessing and regrets.  The energy freed up from not having to look back helps me be more present and focused on the needs of the here-and-now.  This brings with it an intangible level of quality that ensures a quality future, what ever that may be.

More than anything, I am just free to enjoy what it is that I am doing now, and that’s more fulfilling than anything I could ever look forward to doing or having.  There is no truer story than the one that is being created right Now.  At this point I have no idea what the next chapter holds, but that’s what makes it exciting.  If I knew how the story was going to end, there’d be no surprises.

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